Quote of the day:
“Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.”
– Ernest Hemingway

So it’s one fine Thursday (it’s Friday morning at the time of this post) and I came back a little later than usual with an aching head as well as an aching body. I’d recently signed up for gym facilities over the past few weeks or so, all in attempt to well, shrink down a little. No effects as of late, but I’m guessing it takes time to settle in. After my 2-hour 2 pm session, we were supposed to have some kind of maths test which, fortunately, ended in pretty good terms despite a slight lack of preparation. Now what I’m about to write concerns what comes after that.

The test closed in around 8.15 pm that evening. My usual cluster of friends had planned to stick around and have dinner on the spot; I had my fair share of food and by “tradition”, I was the first to leave. Another reason for that, I had an 8 am class earlier that day, so I was pretty beat up. If it weren’t for this post, I would already be asleep by now. Amidst my journey home, it seems they’ve planned on a hangout session tomorrow (or today in real time) afternoon. Two issues persist; one was the fact that I had classes that very afternoon and two was the fact that I’m not one to hangout often, for whatever reason. Now I’m going to tap into this a little bit further.

This isn’t the first time I rejected such invitations, but this is what I think about it. So it’s your group of people who personally asked you out to just have fun. You on the other hand, are more homey than the rest of them and would prefer to spend your time accordingly (or even at home) instead of just sitting around somewhere, unplanned, and also, at a place you’ve rarely or never even been to. But don’t forget, they’ve only called you in because they acknowledge you. Why else would they call you in and even persuade you if you’re not one of them? This here is another thing to consider. I used to cover a very similar topic in one of my previous posts. I’ve stated, quote directly, “I’m not one to spend time outside much as well unless it’s beneficial. I really just don’t see the point of going to some place just to talk or as people normally say hang out.” People from everywhere always counter with this; “You’re young, you should socialize, spend time with your friends, explore the world, just get out of the house for a bit.” The whole thing really leaves you thinking for a bit; but this is sort of the mindset I have right now (refer below).

I’m 20 this year. I am the oldest out of three sons. I’m studying in university while my parents are busy. My dad needs someone to inherit his business in due time; time and over again he also emphasizes the importance of family links, for it is only family that you trust the most and nobody else. My mom doesn’t work, but she does get lonely (I presume) at home. With the university hours that I have now, my times are starting to coincide less with my family; meaning that I’m not around as often to even see my family members. Even if I do, they would be busy with their own things and connections would eventually be lost, or as I fear. I’m 20 and I’ve yet to have any sort of working or living experience. I may not be the only one living like this, but I’m positively sure I don’t want to live this way. As the oldest son, I should be leading some kind of example and in general, “not be useless”.

It is quite clear from previous experiences that I’m not a very sociable person, and this is self-admitted. I personally find it difficult to obtain common topics with people, and even if odds are in my favor, the topic won’t last very long; that’s the general idea of how my previous “hangouts” were like. In the end, one could blame my need for productivity as well. I truly don’t see the point of just sitting around to have a chat. This may be a very stark comparison, but people are out there earning a living and doing important things, yet meanwhile people insist that I sit around and just have fun. There are two problems with this, first thing, I don’t find it very fun to hang out. Sure it may be spending some quality time with friends and all, but without a time frame, things could just drift away and before you know it, you threw a day away. Secondly, again the emphasis on conversational problems. It could be rectified with time, that’s always a solution, but other than that, it’s discomforting. As a friend said, I should probably give it a try; 10% of everything here are assumptions as it is.

These recent days, my only objective is to make full use of any free time I have. This free time is usually derived from empty hours in between uni’s starting and finishing hours. Anything before and after that is usually slated for home. That being said, the only useful time I have left would be the 4-hour and 6-hour breaks I have on Monday and Tuesday. Anything after classes on Tuesday is a dead no simply because it’s reserved for my weekly family dinners. Weekends are also dead slated for pure rest and relaxation. I’d almost automatically decline any invitation should it fall on weekends; I also have my weekly drama airings to catch.

In the end, I’m still not sure of the point I’m trying to make. I want to make use of time, yet I deem most of my time at home useful, regardless of what I do. I can’t stay out unless there’s a plan at hand or possibly there’s some food involved. I still don’t like the idea of hanging out for the sake of talking. I guess even after all this time, my thoughts still aren’t properly sorted out yet. But maybe, one way or another, this post has provided some kind of insight on how I think. For all I know, it may be a very important reference in the far future. Well I guess that’s that; I’ve nothing else to comment on here.

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